Missing Dad Today

Damn it! I don't think I even spent the day with my Dad last year for Father's Day. It didn't occur to me that he wouldn't be here this year. This is the last picture I took of him and I can see that he was not feeling well. This was just shy of two months before he died on Jane's first birthday.

Today I took the girls to the cemetery. It's not really how I want them to remember him but I just don't know how else to keep him "alive" for them. Nora remembers the day he was buried and seems to identify with this place where his body is. Jane cried because she wanted to "see" Pappaw. Nora and I did the best we could to explain that we couldn't see him and that he was in the ground. Then Nora asks if there are worms crawling on him. I say yes but that he doesn't mind. We go home and the girls play in the sprinkler. I made them macaroni and cheese for dinner.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband to help me through all this. He insisted I go get a massage. He said he "gets to be a Dad." Thanks honey, I love you!

Dad, I love and miss you. I wish we could talk. Happy Father's Day!

More Moving (but not us)!

I guess I should officially come clean. The move to Colorado has been postponed until next spring for us. I've been waiting to actually put the words down in hopes that somehow things would change but it's time to call a spade a spade. Really this is not bad news and it is a result of my smart thinking (at least that's what I'm saying). I checked with a mortgage broker before we listed our house just to be sure that we could get a good loan with my husband's new employment status (100% self-employed). It's a good thing I did because due to all the slacker losers out there who either made bad loans or got them we are now required to have proof of the fact that we actually work and receive payment for it via a tax return. It's all really okay since we have worked very hard to reduce our debt and make smart decisions and don't want to blow it on a crappy interest rate.

All that said, it didn't help that we spent the day on Sunday helping our friends pack up to move on to their next adventure. They are heading to Maine for residency and it is not likely that we will see them again for a couple of years. Our girls are only a few months apart and have grown very close in the past year. We are sad to see them go but also very happy for them. This is exactly where they want to go and plan to stay for a while. I really appreciate that since we feel the same way about Colorado. It does make me a little sad that it will take a lot more work to get our paths to cross in the future. It's also a bit of a challenge explaining that to a three year old. Despite all the sadness we are learning lessons from this whether we like them or not. The most important is being thoughtful about how we handle this move for our girls. Big changes can cause big problems but hopefully with an early start we can make this transition a little easier for everyone. The bottom line is we are doing this for them and have to realize that things that are no big deal for us grown ups can be devastating for little people.

The ride is still crazy but now it's going to be crazy long.

Derby 2009 Was Not the Same

Again this year I pulled out the hat boxes and rifled through dresses and skirts to find something to wear for my day at the track. This year it was Oaks Day for me and I was lucky enough to go with Mom (and of course, a couple of sisters and a brother). As you can see, she showed us all up with her amazing outfit and truly classic hat.

As I donned my hat for departure, something made me head back upstairs for one last accessory. A special bracelet made from the roses from Dad's funeral seemed a perfect addition for a day at the track—he enjoyed Derby time with us every year. I didn't get emotional when I put it on but at the first mention of his name I had to fight off the tears. He not only entered my mind all day but a few people I ran into talked about him and I found my self wiping away the tears over and over again.

It may take a few years for me to enjoy Derby festivities the way I have in years past (no comments from the peanut gallery on this one) but that's okay. One thing is for sure, it will never be the same without him. I miss you Dad.

Counting the Minutes

I've been a mother for 1,242 days or three years, four months and 26 days. I've been a mother of two for 589 days or one year, seven months and 11 days. I have been away from them for one night from the hours of 10 pm until 6 am (because I was so sleep deprived that I went to my mother's house (see last post) to sleep for a few hours). Tomorrow morning before they wake up I'll be on a plane to see a friend in Austin. Two things come to mind immediately—WOOOOHOOO and OH MY GOD! In case you are wondering, I will be away for 4,630 minutes or three days, five hours and 10 minutes.

To say I am a bit of an emotional wreck about this is an understatement. Any of you who have children this age know that you cannot tell your kids about something until it is nearly upon them. They just don't have a concept of time. So this morning at breakfast, I coughed through the quiver in my voice as I said told them that when they wake up tomorrow I would not be present. Thankfully, my (wonderfully emotional and dramatic) three year told me that she would be very sad. I never thought I would be so glad to hear that. I should also note that I am in no way concerned about their well-being. Their father is more than capable of taking care of them. Sure he may not do things the way I do or the way I'd like him to all the time, but he is no slouch in the parent department. All this concern has to do with me. I'm the one who will be sipping margaritas at some wonderful restaurant (that's where the WOOOOHOOO part comes in) with my friend while finding any way possible to talk (more) about my kids. Sorry in advance, Sarah.

My mother has assured me that not only will everyone be fine (including me) but that this will likely make me a better mother (as if!) and my kids and my husband will appreciate me that much more. Those are all things I look forward to enjoying after a long 4,630 minutes have passed.

Moving Day

No, not for us but for my Mom. On April 7th the movers showed up at the house where I have spent nearly my entire life. I couldn't be there and maybe that was for the best because I was much more emotional about it than I anticipated. Fortunately several of my sisters were there to help so Mom was not alone. I can't speak for her but I imagine the weight of memories and work involved to get to moving day has been lifted. Now hopefully she can hang the picture of our house on the wall in her new place and remember those days fondly.
It's hard to put into words what this house has meant to me. In some ways it is me. We moved in before I turned a year old. And I have moved back in and out more times than I would like to admit. With the exception of my parents room, I have slept in every bedroom at one time or another. Those bushes in the front used to be thicker because I hid behind them and smoked my first cigarette. I believe I was in the seventh grade when I found the white filtered stick on the floor of my sister's car. My age should be enough to explain why I decided to light it below an open window when my Mom and others were sitting in the room. They walked out the front door and looked down at me squatting in a cloud of smoke. Luckily that was the first of only a handful of cigarettes that I would smoke in my entire life. So many "firsts" happened there that I can't begin to recall them all. I won't embarrass myself and mention all the things that went on in our basement. All I can say is, don't go there! Funny how all the questionable things come to mind right now, but really the joyous and carefree moments far outweigh any shenanigans.

My parents probably should have moved a few years ago, but Dad refused to give it up. In the end, he was right about that too. It was so nice to have all that space for everyone to gather on the day we buried him. He would have liked that. I guess in some ways the house is him, too. Soon there will be a "For Sale" sign in the yard. I just wonder how many times I'll pull in the drive by accident once it belongs to someone else. Hopefully they will change the locks. So long old house, you will not be forgotten.

No April Fools here

I have purposefully waited for the first day of April to pass to post this so as to avoid skepticism. Actually, I should have posted this on April 1st so after every big fat lie like that one, I could write "APRIL FOOLS!" This whole resolution thing has got me hog-tied. There just isn't enough time to write, read, work, workout, sleep, make meals, and take care of my girls (and definitely not in that order). Every week something has to give and the latter is not an option. So some weeks I actually put a few words on the page and other weeks I manage to run a few times and then there are the weeks when I cook and some weeks I bill enough hours to make me feel like a financial contributor (albeit a small one) the bank account and on rare occasions we actually sleep in this house. Unfortunately for my husband, things like dusting or mopping never even make it to the list. I hate those things. When he finally gets tired of scraping away some dust to see the clock on the nightstand, then he manages to dust the entire house in one day. I do laundry and I do it quite well, thank you. And vacuum.

Hello "writing" week! Yep, here we are. (Fingers tapping on the desk. La de da. La de da.)

So the weather is starting to warm around here and that makes things easier. It seems those hours late in the day when dinner preparations are necessary become the most stressful. The girls whine for holding while I figure out a way to feed them without turning on the "babysitter" to do it. But when it's warm they have dirt and dandelions to occupy them long enough for chicken to grill and rice to boil. The "hold me's" just lift away like lost balloons. This is a good thing since we've made some changes in the house. No more babysitter days for me. Things just weren't going as planned on more than one front--the billable hours were not as predictable and the sitter just wasn't working out--so warm weather helps me get through the rough patches. I'm hoping we'll save some money and have more fun time.

You might be wondering why there has been no talk of moving lately. Well, after a bit of research and discussion with the mortgage broker, it seems the best thing for us is to wait until next year to move. We have all those fraudulent lenders and borrowers to thank for this one. In order to qualify for the best possible rates we need another tax return year to prove we'll pay our mortgage. Whatever! I'm a bit sad about this but at the same time relieved. All those things we need to do to list our house can now be properly put off until next spring! Long live procrastination! Although we have vowed to complete a project a month to avoid that problem, it does not mean that will happen. I have spent my life perfecting the art of procrastination and I don't intend to stop that now.

Okay, I'm going to bed because I've been putting that off for two hours now. I am good!

I'm still here I swear...

Okay so it's been two months since my last post. Things have been a bit crazy around here (hence the theme). There's been lots of illness, another power outage, and then more illness. This has been a tough season for the girls but I just keep trying to remind myself that things could be worse. They keep getting the annoying kid things that go around. First it was the pukes, which I did get but my husband managed to avoid. Then there was a bout of RSV which is always a joy (and don't I know it since it's the third time I've dealt with it). Then the ice storm hit and the power was out for five days which meant we slept on my sister's floor for a couple days (thank goodness for her generosity) which never bodes well for little ones' sleep habits. Just when I think we are finding some normalcy they get colds. I'm not done yet. Now we are battling Hand Food and Mouth Disease (at least one of them is so far). Ugh! Will it ever end? Thankfully they have maintained a mostly cheerful and always strong-willed personality through it all that somehow makes it all seem worth it, even if I am sleep deprived.

The reasons for my recent hiatus from blogging made me realize why I hadn't started this sooner. I was too damned tired!!! Honestly, I wanted to start a blog a long time ago because our oldest found sleep optional most of the time. I spent countless hours researching and reading all the advice on getting one's child to sleep "properly." Coming from a long line of 10-hour a night sound sleepers made this a bit of a fight for me. My husband, on the other hand, had no problem with it since this seems to be his gene contribution and not mine. Spending three years of my life without sleep wasn't something I ever considered when longing for and then finally having children. Again I try to remind myself that things could be worse. This really only works after I've had a sufficient "freak out" about something really stupid, like dropping my keys on the floor. Once I do that and realize what lesson I've just passed along to my kids then I take some deep breathes and plaster a smile on my face and hope the girls think it was all a big joke. I know I'm going to be very sorry when one or both of the girls start freaking out over something like a shoe coming untied. Uh, this would be my contribution to the gene pool. But I am working on it and here's a good example. The other day while I was preparing dinner, the girls found the huge garbage bag of freshly shredded documents I had in my office. They promptly starting throwing them in the air and said, "it's raining!" What fun for them! I didn't freak out, I hung my head and sobbed, but at least I didn't freak out.

All that said, I'm back at it and ready to continue our crazy ride whether that involves a move to Colorado or just making it back to bed in hopes of getting one solid hour of sleep. Sweet dreams!